This isn’t a happy blog, some sad news…
Hello buddys out there in BuddySlim. Not having a good week so far, but I do need to first thank you for all the comments on my last blog. I came home today from a long emotional day with my boys and I read all these comments and I can just feel the love here. Thank you all sooooooooooooo much for being here for myself, and everyone in need.
Well here goes, my disability was denied :( I’m just so lost right now. I realize I will have to hire a lawyer (already have one picked out) but the problem is it will take up to a year or more for an appeal. My medical co-pays and prescription costs are way out of control here. Bills in collections, can’t always fill my prescriptions. I really needed the help 
To top that off, this morning I was up at 6:00 a.m. (which is difficult because of my meds) on the road at 7:00 a.m. to pick up Jon for probation. 8:00 a.m. I pull into his work, pick him up, head back towards my house (45 mins away) and pick up Chris for his probation. Drive another 45 minutes to probation. The probation officer asked if I would like to sit in. We all went in (they felt really odd) I listened as she questioned the boys, and I knew they were not telling the truth. She pointed out jail time for each and if they didn’t straighten up this would be the life for them.
Then she asked me “Mom what do you think of all of this” I was stuck….couldn’t think, wanted to just cry…..and I said ” Well my boys are good kids, I’m sure you here that from every mother, but these guys have a real heart and care about people. I’m so sad, my heart is broken that they are behaving this way. I don’t know how to wake them up and change their ways.”
She then talked some more to them about choices. I taught them choices in life, I was their mother and I raised them pretty much by myself. Their father was too busy getting high, or drunk or taking pain pills to take the time to help the children or myself. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity but its a fact their choices have to be based on something in their childhood. Was it seeing their father drunk, high, or maybe the fact he worked 2nd shift and couldn’t take time to enjoy his children. My children are my life and this has to stop. Jon is 23, Chris just turned 21 and in trouble with the law. And not just small things. It took all I had to not break down right there in her office. Seems the tears are still coming, and I feel like I am in this dark place. Finally at 1:50 p.m. I’m home…so thats 7:00 until 1:50 p.m. because of their choices. Grrrrrr……………..
Now I really know how it feels, I’ve heard people here say they were in a “dark place” and now I truly know that feeling.
The scary part is I’m questioning my faith. I realize God has a plan, but is his plan to continuely make me hurt. I can put this smile on my face, and normally I do no matter what life hands me, but you know what I feel like I’m at the end. Throw in the towel, wave the white flag, maybe just go to bed for the next few days.
Ok….thank you for letting me vent. You guys are just the best ever and I couldn’t get along with your friendships.
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with blessings and love.
Hugs to you all
Jane
OH Jane, I’m so so sorry you are going through all of this and I have a feeling I missed a blog or two along the way. I can’t be on very long because it is hard with my pain meds, but please know that you are in my prayers. I just wish there was more I could do for you.
I am sorry you have to go thru all this. Don’t lose your faith. It may doesn’t seem like a good plan to you right now, but I am sure at the end it will all work out.
I don’t know if it helps but here is a ((Hug))
Ohhhh Jane, I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I will also keep you in my prayers Jane - please don’t lose faith, don’t give in or give up.
Please continue to vent, it will certainly help because we’re here for you mama! I don’t have any advice on the boys because I’m not a mom. I’m sure you will get a few pointers from the other moms here.
God will provide for you, he is a miracle worker and he will not let you down.
Love you Jane!
Hi Jane, I just read your blog for today. I have to tell you a quick story about my son. At the age of 18 he was getting into all kinds of trouble. We were forever going to Court or had Probation visits. Finally, I called his probation officer and told her she had to help me. I wanted him to go into the Military and need the Courts help.
The courts did a wonderful job helping, guiding me to get him to join. The judge told him at his last Court appearance, either you bring your toothbrush and will have a 90 visit or you bring in Military papers. That was on a Wednesday, by Friday he had my husband and I at the Navy Recruiters office and he was taking his physical on that next Monday.
To this day he does not know that I was behind the military idea. Last year he re-enlisted for his next 5 year term. I always tell him his first 4 years were on the courts, should he choose any after that then it would be his choice. He spent the last 4 years in Pearl Harbor aboard a submarine and now is station in Groton, CT.
It was a long road for us, but it worked out in the end. Have faith and get in contact with the Probation officers to see if they can give you guidance so the boys can get the discipline and direction they need.
You are in my prayers!
Hang in there! You will get through this. I will pray for you and your boys.
Jane. You are so hurting and I am sorry. Please take heart from what wrote today.
I know you tried with your boys, and God knows that, too.
You are a wonderful person and God sees this. I firmly beleive He will provide and bless you.
Lots of hugs to you, love you and you have my prayers.
I am praying for a better tomorrow for you. God bless you.
All I’m going to type publicly is …
(((((((Jane))))))))
Private e-mail coming your way.
Huggggggggggggggs,
Shan
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this with your boys. I pray you don’t lose faith, and that you stay strong. ***hugs***
Jane, you may want to stop covering for your sons and let them grow up. I have been in your shoes and only when I let go, my son rapidly matured on his own. I truly understand what it means to raise boys alone without any support from the father. You may feel guilty and try to protect and baby them… it’s harmful and counter-productive. Tough love works with boys who must become adults.
I am so sorry that you are going through such hard times. You know that we are all here for you and please just don’t give up….. xoxo
((((((Jane)))))))
I am so sorry to hear about the trouble with your boys and about the issues you’re having with disability! I wish there was something I could do to help.
I am having trouble with my 11 yrs. old son too, obviously the trouble is not serious like it is in the case of your boys, but I am trying to avoid that route which is a probable outcome if I chose to stand by and do nothing!!
Raising children is hard no matter what, even when there are two parent families—now that my DS is going through pre-puberty, I honestly FEEL SO BAD for my poor parents and everything they went through!!
Have you guys considered family counseling? I know money is tight right now, but maybe there are some non-profit organizations in your area that can step up to the plate and help out.
I like the military idea that was also presented to you, but in these times of war, that has got to be the last option for any mother! I feel terribly for all the loved ones of the men and women serving in Iraq and Afghanistan—just terrible—-their sacrifice is something we cannot thank them enough for!
Anyway, I just want you to know that even though you FEEL in a dark place, God is with you—-God is always with you Jane!! I believe that, it is now more than ever that you need to hold on to your faith and pray for your boys with every ounce of your being!!
I believe in the power of prayer and I also believe in miracles—PLEASE hold on to your faith because at this point it seems like it’s your last resort!!
((((((Jane))))))
Sorry to hear this news. Keep your faith and believe that things will improve for you and your family.. Hang in there and stay strong.
Sending prayers your way.
Oh wow Jane, you’re going through so much right now. Sounds like you’re hurting, really hurting, inside. Keep blogging Jane. Getting it out will help you. And you know we’re all here to listen.
Thinking of you and your boys
Girl, I know where you are coming from! You know much of the story with my boys!
I am sending you so many good thoughts and prayers! Don’t give up the faith!
Love ya!
Big HUGS!